My stress levels have been spiking the past week. I'm overloaded, with school work and freelance work and an upcoming interview as well. I actually had to drop one of my projects with a new freelance firm; there's just too much going on right now. They may try and reschedule it to when I'm less busy, but I still so awful that I had to let them down. But we really don't get to control when we have our crisis' I guess.
I'm in two parallels right now: on the one hand enormous hope, on the other just...despair infecting it. Cold greyness, like the bleak weather outside. Cold, slushy, rainy. I can't feel hope. A happy pill or two would usually help but I'm reluctant to indulge. If I take them too often they loose effect.
Every time I have hope it's inevitably dashed. Every time I have happiness it eventually ends. Part of me just wants to...what, give up on the Dream Job and just drift away into an obscure job that makes me anxious all the time? Write-off the last 8 years of study, work, and sacrifice to just start over?
But there are other ways to start over. Other ways to simply leave behind the old, stop dragging it along like Marley's chain from A Christmas Carol. So many mistakes...that's what hurts me more than anything else. I see so many mistakes along the path that has led me to who I am now. If I could just get a full time job, something stable in my life, it would feel like every misstep was worth it. Being raised by an obsessive perfectionist has left me feeling as if nothing I've done was right, everything was a mistake and the whole world is out to get you.
Typing this here helps a little. It's true what they say, that when you voice your fears they become more manageable. What I truly need is hope, a success that tells me I can keep going. But then I disemphasize it, make the success a fluke or something that was too easy. I've gone on this look over and over again, trying to break out of it.
Perhaps I can find some way to quantify it? Make up a list of achievements. I did that before and it helped a little. What if I took every single problem in my life and made up a bunch of lists, one after another, and a way to deal with each one? I tried some project management apps for my phone, but this would be different: something on paper that I can refer back to, wake up to, show myself the path I'm one and how much I've accomplished every day...